Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
How external is "for external use only"?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
