I like my sex mixed with concussions.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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