If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
