turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
