The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
