Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
