I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
