I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
