After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
