you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
