I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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