I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
