SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
