just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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