20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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