Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And then he peed in my hair
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