I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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