Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
