I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We left an ass print on the piano.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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