I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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