you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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