Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
