I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
