i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
