i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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