As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
