Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
