why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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