life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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