Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
