Fine. I'll sleep in my office
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
