Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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