I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
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She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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