Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
