and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
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i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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