I accidentally had phone sex last night
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
