I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
