i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
