I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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