I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
