yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
