Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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