I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
