I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
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do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.