"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We need to rekindle our bromance
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?