highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
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i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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