I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
