I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
