the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
