Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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