I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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