You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Randomize
