worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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