Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
All I want is dick and wine.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
