What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
