There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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