Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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