and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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