Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
